Funny Business

Ronnie Apteker's a local legend, He's part of the team that started up Internet Solutions and made a fair bit of dosh from what was South Africa's first ISP. And then he got into Hollywood and the business of making films. The boytjie from Wits tells a joke that has the set-up: “I made a small fortune in the movie business.” If you ask him how, Apteker will say that he started with a large fortune. (Cue the clanging symbols).

It's about time someone wrote a book about Apteker, because apart from being street smart, when South Africa's comedy loving, technology-seeding angel-investor isn't losing money on flicks he's trying to show some IT start-up how to create a successful business model. And Apteker should know.

When Internet Solutions was nothing more than a small office in the backwaters of Johannesburg, with big dreams, Apteker was the man on the street pounding the pavement looking for sales. Not only is Funny Business filled with hilarious anecdotes, there's wisdom between the laughs. More importantly, it's wonderfully conversational and an accessible read. That's because Apteker's story is told by Gus Silber, who is a revered comedy writer, but more so a well respected journalist whose experience of the craft is instinctual. Silber writes in a way that makes you want to read, so Funny Business isn't one of those stodgy business books that you read because you think you should. Rather, you devour it in a sitting or dip into it repeatedly because it's witty, wise and wonderful.

Silber's the perfect person to tell Apteker's story, because he gets the Jewish jokes, can herd Apteker's brilliant but ADD-like attention span into cohesiveness, and adores technology. Silber just gets it all and relays the narrative into a compulsive read.

But see for yourself. Courtesy of Apteker and Silber, here's a small helping of Funny Business:

Persuasion lies at the heart and soul of every business activity. If I can persuade you to give me a moment of your time, if I can persuade you to stop what you're doing and listen, I may just be able to sell you the world.

It won't be easy, and I may need to gently twist your arm behind your back at some point, but it all begins with that delicate moment of engagement, that spark of connection between two people. How do you persuade someone to listen?

I wonder if I can persuade you to listen to some of it? It'll only take a moment of your time. This is an extract from a chapter called The Stand-Up Entrepreneur, which is all about the things an entrepreneur has in common with a stand-up comedian.

A friend of Ronnie's, a comedian named John Vlismas, put into Ronnie's head the notion that every good stand-up is a salesman, closing a deal every 15 seconds. So, naturally, every good salesman is a stand-up. And what is an entrepreneur, other than a salesman in a fancy suit?

Once, Ronnie went to present the Internet to the top brass of Edgars, the retail clothing chain, at their headquarters in Edgardale, south of Johannesburg. Jeremy Ord, the CEO of Dimension Data, took him along. But this was Ronnie's gig.

It's a lunch in the executive dining room. The presentation is a side-order, a special of the day. But nobody's buying. The room, by Ronnie's reading, is stiff, aloof, frosty. The execs are calling each other by their titles: “Mr FD”, “Mr MD”, “Mr Marketing Director”. It's like a scene from Reservoir Dogs.

Jeremy introduces Ronnie, who is wearing his dad's hand-me-down sports jacket. He's brought a stack of laminated magazine covers with him. He's going to be talking about the 'Future of Retail Business on the Internet'.

Fifteen seconds, Ronnie is thinking. You've got to close a deal every 15 seconds. If they stop laughing, if they stop listening, if they start shifting in their seats and looking around the room, you've lost them.

There's wisdom between the laughs.

Mandy de Waal, ITWeb contributor

You've got to hold a finger to the wind; you've got to shift course and steer the ship. If the Van der Merwe story isn't working, you've got to go with the Jew, the Dutchman, and the Irishman. But you've got to do it so quickly, so seamlessly, that they don't even see the switch. It's got to work like magic.

Ronnie is up there, talking about the way the world is changing, talking about technology over the tinkle of knives and forks on plates, and one minute into his presentation, he can see he's losing them. So he shifts direction.

He turns to the MD, and he says: “Mr Etheridge, sir, can I just ask you, how do you see the world of fashion changing in the online space over the next few years?”

“How do I see it?” the MD says, and then he nods: “That's a good question.” And he starts talking, and he talks and talks and talks, with Ronnie feeding him a line, a cue, every now and again. And at the end of the hour, he says: “Congratulations, that was the best presentation I've ever been to.” They shake hands, and outside, Jeremy says: “Ronnie, you're a genius.” And he says: “Genius, what? I didn't get a chance!”

It's the art of selling without selling, and what it comes down to is: listening without talking. Ronnie learned the lesson, sort of, from his dad, who once took him aside and said: “Ronnie, if you want to get laid, ask a girl how her day was.”

“Switch your phone off, don't say a word, just stare in her eyes,” says Ronnie. “And when she runs out of things to say, you say, that thing with the boss in your office ... tell me more. Just keep quiet, just let her speak. Because the moment your phone rings...” He puts his phone to his ear, holds up his hand, and widens his eyes in a just-give-me-a-second mime... “...you're screwed. The moment another girl walks by, and stops and gives you a hug, you've lost her.

Ronnie thinks about it for a moment.

“Selling to the head of Edgars and some 22-year-old girl...wait, I'm older now, some 32-year-old girl...it's the same thing. You need to listen, but you also need to know how to ask the right questions. You've got to be pushy without being pushy.”

Let's say you're trying to convince a customer into signing, and you're getting nowhere. The problem may not lie with you; you may just be talking to the wrong customer.

“Maybe your guy just doesn't have the power to sign,” says Ronnie. “But you can't say, 'Are you in charge?', or 'What do I have to do to get your business?' That would be like saying to a girl, 'How do I get you into bed?' What you need to say is, 'I'd really like to get to know you better.'” All it takes is a little gentle persuasion.

* Funny Business, by Gus Silber and Ronnie Apteker, is published by Zebra Press and is out in bookstores now.