Beware the new geek

I`ve worked with some lunatics before, that`s for sure - not just in the IT industry, but also in the other half of what I do - reporting. Let`s deal with those first.

Journalism, IT-focused or not - has a specific brand of lunacy. It affects roughly half of all journalists - certainly around half of the sample that I`ve studied over the last eight years. As a result, I can only describe reporters as a group that dances particularly close to the edge.

Just off the top of my head, there`s the classic story of the reporter and the photographer who drove somewhere for a story, stopped off for some beers, got going again, got lost, ran out of petrol (or something, they weren`t sure), failed in their attempt to open the bonnet (it opened from the windscreen outwards), and set about getting to the engine the only way they could see how: by hacking into the metal with a hammer and chisel they found in the boot.

Ask any journalist if this is plausible - they`ll probably shrug and say it sounds about right, or they know one of the guys, and he`s still employed at the same paper.

Nowadays, journos are an almost unrecognisably pale copy of the proto-hack described above. They`re often hard working, responsible and clean, and they frequently operate inside the law. For obvious reasons (boredom), the threatened total demise of the early journalist is often bemoaned among the mavericks of old.

There are, to be fair, minimal improvements in today`s geek over earlier versions, in that he doesn`t wear propeller hats anymore or mend his glasses with unsightly tape.

Carel Alberts, technology editor, ITWeb

But they needn`t worry. There`s no getting away from it. Once a wing nut, always a wing nut. While journalists have mutated in many different directions over the years, in many instances it is a case of more of the same (madness).

The mutation I`m concerned with here, IT journalists, have merely supplanted one kind of madness with another - that of total, utter and irredeemable "geekery", as a colleague once called it. The reason for the mutation is probably misplaced adoration of the IT-geek proper, whom IT journos study as part of their jobs.

Why is this a problem? The trouble here is that we`re not talking about the normal, harmless kind of nerd anymore, the one portrayed in amusing eighties films. We`re talking about a whole new kind, a tough and insufferable strain of the species.

The hardened geek we encounter today is, to begin with, probably the result of crossbreeding with journalists and other types who are susceptible to strange cultural mutation. There are, to be fair, minimal improvements in today`s geek over earlier versions, in that he doesn`t wear propeller hats anymore or mend his glasses with unsightly tape. And he washes.

But the good news stops with us learning that he has found a way to procreate (an additional risk factor), and is considerably more resilient these days. He withstands ridicule easily and returns it. He is socially adept. You still can`t teach him anything, but now this is evident in more than just specially crafted packets sent your PC`s way. He has brand preferences in soft drinks, as I`ve noted before. He is upwardly mobile. He has economic leverage.

Now that you`ve been alerted, you`re probably wondering what to do about the new, tougher, contagious geek, to stop him from entering the host bodies of other susceptible types, such as advertising execs, party liaisons, artists and so on.

The truth is that one can only be vigilant. And one must avoid interaction. For your easy perusal, I provide a handy checklist of telltale signs of the modern geek.

By "socially adept" I don`t necessarily mean socially acceptable in all cases either. The new geek makes weird sounds when he plays video games. He has a library of them for different games.

He has a signature e-mail tagline. Actually, more than one tagline is better, and they must be quirky or offer a slight variation on a known quote. Or even better, he will subscribe to The Meaning of Liff, a Web site that apparently auto-populates his mails with a new off-the-wall tagline every week. Geek humour centres on variation, hence the susceptibility to evolution, mutation, siding with the idea of meme-types and the love-hate attraction to rumour.

He takes pride in debunking myths, or better yet, starting new ones. He understands viral marketing. There`s no end to his power.

He CCs everyone to embarrass you. And you don`t know who the hell is on the BCC line.

He knows a worrying amount about psychological matters, though he`s above all that and prefers conversations about Dilbert-like cartoons. Only it can`t be Dilbert, who "sold out".

He proclaims Doonesbury OK again. (The outrage! People without the clout of a geek cannot hope to engender such cultural shifts.)

He read Cryptonomicon as a child, but battles with Hamlet for Dummies with a pr'ecis by Howard Stern.

He has conspiracy theories, ones you wouldn`t find anybody else holding, and laughs at the more distressing ones. He cannot bear the tide of political correctness, yet doesn`t see the irony of an hysterical compulsion to be abstruse.

In short, if your teenage children are dear to you, and if they`re exhibiting signs, or you yourself recognise more than a few elements of yourself, then e-mail the address below. We have to stem this tide now! Remember, you could be saving somebody`s social life.